Jan 07

Things Said After a Break Up That Make No Sense

A good friend of mine recently broke off his engagement.  Turns out this is actually the most popular time of the year for people breaking up.  In any event people say all types of crazy things after a relationship ends so I thought I’d clear up a few that were on my mind:

“I’ll never find anyone like her again!” – That’s hard to believe considering 6 billion people inhabit this planet and our genetic codes differ by less than 1%.  Unless you are dating an Asian girl in Beatrice, Nebraska I am willing to bet you could get off your ass, talk to a few people and find someone quite similar.

“It’s just so hard to meet someone as good” – This excuse could fly in a nomadic tribe 4,000 years ago when the mating pool was dominated by a few, but not in today’s world.  Hell, a rabid Gorilla could get a few dates on if it shaved and had a creative friend write its profile.  Most of the work in meeting someone can be done from your couch and even depressed people hang out on the couch. 

“It just hurts so much” – I once saw Sarah McLachlan on TV holding a 2 year old starving child complaining of hunger pains and dying a slow death of malnutrition.  That seemed to hurt a little more than the rejection of your slut of a soul mate who wanted some freedom.

“She was the only one I really got along with” – Well maybe you shouldn’t be so damn difficult to get along with.  Unless you’ve actually tied yourself to a tree in the Amazon or walked door to door for Obama there is no sense in rejecting someone because they drink bottled water and voted for John McCain.  Your views aren’t that important, even to yourself and you know it.

“All things happen for a reason” – Sure.  And some things happen because the guy in her Psych 101 class knows how to get her drunk and play acoustic guitar.  I am sure it’s all a part of the divine plan but I am willing to guess the divine plan doesn’t have you listed as a helpless victim to someone else’s emotional immaturity either.   You’re not a victim in life.  You’re a product of your decisions and the reactions you take to decisions of others.

“I am just going to hook up with everyone I can now” – Yeah herpes and the swine flu should help you feel better about yourself and move on real fast.  Common idea here is that going wild will get you some retribution and the attention will feel good.  That all seems like a good idea when you’re drunk but in the end it just makes you used, desperate and even more unhappy.

Writing dark quotes about love and life on your Facebook profile – Posting a stoned indie rock stars lyrics on your Facebook profile may seem like you are making a deep or emotional statement but more often than not it proves you are plagiarist crying for attention and spending too much time drinking wine by yourself on the computer.

Jan 06

Best and Worst Jobs 2011 - By the WSJ

So the Wall Street journal came out with the best and worst jobs of 2011.  Clearly if you are doing any unskilled labor in the United States you are considered a massive failure but if you lack social skills, enjoy cubicles, and figuring out how to make 1 and 0’s dance their way to Doom and Famville, you are living the dream.  Also, I am going to go out on a limb here and suggest this list is inadequate as Diseased Prostitute should probably be #201.

Seriously, how can Software Engineer be number one? Also notice how all of the top jobs require no physical activity and will almost certainly lead to an early diabetic related death with a modest amount invested in your 401(k)?  I will give them some credit as they rated based on income, working environment, stress, physical demands and job outlook.  Which examined more clearly should read: Rich, lazy, well educated middle class, lazy again, and scared shitless of going under your mortgage and not being able to afford an iPad.  They also should note that men clearly identify with their careers more than woman and when seeking a job men are looking for the best possible means for passing on there genetics (in short can my job get me a girl).  Again, these ranking have failed or should start somewhere around Aerospace Engineer/economist.

Even worse is if we focus in on the bottom half.  All jobs that actually allow us to gluttonize in our own middle class greed.  Painter, welder, seamen, EMT (picks you up in the ambulance on the rode when you passed out drunk), Taxi driver (gets an unfair shake because 80% surveyed were inaudible).  But lumberjack, ironworker, roustabout?  These are the only men left who didn’t pack up their balls and run for the concrete streets?  Roustabout is a person who works on an oil rig, this rig pumps liquid gold back into the world where it is used for _______ (insert: awful liberal statement) and of course at this time, making our world economy go around so things like ice cream, coffee, and stuffed animals can all be dispurst to faraway lands and overvalued for sale. 

It seems to me, that being on the front lines of what powers your world, whomever that would be steel, lumberjacking, welding, painting or seafairin in the Pacific you’d think the ‘Computer Engineers’ and ‘actuarys’ of the world would be kind of thankful.  They use those materials for 3 bedroom houses boung on profits from soft engineering a game where birds fly into walls and then calculated how that would change your life insurance policy.  Best Jobs maybe, but who do we really need here?

The best jobs to have are the easiest jobs to find success and American lazyness.  The worst jobs are the ones clean, white pretentious people find gross that eventually become a muse for a Disney Character who gets the princess.

I guess it’s the way we view jobs in the Post-college Diploma must have world.  Ones with a dream and hope. Bad. Ones with a well trimmed path to mediocrity. The Best.

(Source: The Wall Street Journal)

Jan 05

5 things I’d do if I *had* won the Mega Millions tonight

1. First I wouldn’t call a single person I know.  Not even my mother.  I would then calculate the taxes, time until money is in my checking and current credit card limits.  After all that I’d immediately go out and drink until I could catch a flight to Vegas.  48 hours, no comment.  After that I will call my Mom…

2. I would drive all the way down to my most Past Due client, the grandma who lives on a 50 acre ranch outside of Franktown, CO with my overdue invoices.  She says she can’t pay (mind you she is 93) because she needs to sell land and more horses.  Then to me she says, “Do you need to buy land!? or Want a Horse for the bill?” - The question is yelled at you (and I think she is actually bartering the horse).  With my suitcase of cash I would purchase 25 acres and two horses.  I would walk into her house riding the horse and politely ask, “I bought the damn horses and the damn land, and will you please pay your damn bill!  I’d leave that horse in the house tied to a post where I’d drive in every Monday to feed it an aluminum can (invoice inside).

3. I don’t care what car I purchase but when I do and I am stuck in some shitty ski or I-25 traffic, I would simply get out of the car and walk.  Who cares?  Tow the damn thing and I will have someone come by to pick it up later.  Might even get in a helicopter afterward.

4. I would charter a plane of all the hard asses and tough guys that I’ve met though life.  I’d instruct to the pilot to make this the scariest ‘effig plane flight they have ever been on.  We are talking two ‘culturally significant to the general flight fearing stereotypes’ running out of the bathroom in flight, followed by the captain screaming on the microphone as the plane takes a safe but fun nose dive.  These people include the guy who stole my iPad, that guy at the GYM who’s only mission is to stop crossfit, the guy who accused me of a hit and run, and probably any employees who have skipped a shift.

5. Lastly I would build a portable bathroom system so I can always feel the comforts of home.  Nothing solid gold or loaded with TVs.  I don’t want a man cave.  I just want my simple; I am the only one who uses this everyday toilet seat.  It would drive with me from place to place.  Say we are eating lunch at Subway; peer over to that single door uni-crapper and some girl with a seat swallowing butt who is already sweating walks in.  I am not waiting on that, I am rolling in my specialty BT outhouse.  Double sided mirrors could really improve this.

Jan 04

3 Bad Ideas After Meeting Someone

There is always that week or two in between meeting someone where you send about 500 texts and have one five minute phone call to figure out what you are officially doing on the date.   It’s an awkward time but I’d think these are 3 good strategies for not messing it up before you see each other again:

1.       Avoid Facebook – It’s natural to become Facebook friends shortly after meeting someone.  In fact it’s more natural than actually becoming friends.  The down side? You have unlimited access to a 100+ pictures of the girl you’re hoping to date, plus every comment a dude has posted on her wall in the past 6 months.  For sure go on and take a look at one or two pictures in case your 3 beers disguised a horse as a cute girl.  Doesn’t hurt to make sure there aren’t repeated photos of her taking Jell-O shots off shirtless frat boys either, but after that, don’t go back.  If you read through her profile carefully, you’ll learn things you shouldn’t know.  On your date she’ll say something like, “I went to Paris last spring and loved the cheesecake there” and you’ll naturally respond, “Oh yeah I saw that photo where you were eating a whole slice at once!”  And…..with that, you just creeped yourself out of some possible sex.

2.       Only tell the story once – It’s another common misconception that every moment of every interaction between meeting and going out again needs to be analyzed and reiterated to all your friends.  You’ll attempt to understand why things are said and what they mean based on the tone, hand actions, sentence structure, and current outside temperature.  I know this is one of the “fun” parts of meeting someone, but you really only need to tell one friend and leave it at that.  If everyday you’re firing off e-mails and burning daytime minutes to explain how it all unfolded, the whole thing ends up feeling like you’re holding a lottery ticket and talking about what you’d buy when you win.  By the time you actually go on the date, you’re so loaded with expectations.  The person never has a chance and you never look comfortable.  This is because you’ve over analyzed every sentence, and now you’re confused when a real person presents herself and not a pseudo dream interaction you figured up all week.

3.       Only check your cell phone once a day – At some point you will obviously send a text or leave a voicemail.  Naturally, if you really like the girl you’ll check back every 20-30 minutes.  This does nothing, but makes you wonder what’s going on.  Besides, if you sent a text and it takes her 2 hours to respond and you only 3 minutes, you’ll come off as intense.  You want to make it seem like you’re naturally engaged in everything and not playing a game of cat and mouse.  Even if you don’t have a life, find something to do.  You’ll certainly have more to talk about when you do talk to her.  Let her leave a message on the call back.  Not because you played it right after analyzing the situation, but because you were actually out doing something until 9:30p.  Faking and calculating clichéd moves based on your constant over analyzing is more obvious than you think and definitely more unattractive than you realize.

Jan 03

The Problem with New Year’s Resolutions…

It’s that time of year where Gym’s become annoyingly crowded and diet company revenues go up 40% all based on people setting the simple goal of a New Year’s resolution, a goal that apparently only 12% actually achieve. That pretty much means for the vast majority they are useless. In fact that 12% is probably made up of the following:

5% - Resolution consisted of something you do one time

5% - Liars

2% - People who had no choice, i.e. quitting smoking because you found out you had lung cancer over Christmas.

<.05% - Those who actually did something meaningful

First problem is how the hell can people willingly dedicate themselves to something for an entire year they have ignored for most of their life? Anything that takes a year to do is really hard. Probably too hard for you to just wake up and say you’ll do it because everyone else is doing something. This is why I think the New Year’s resolution is better served as a philosophy. People need to look at the reasons they haven’t accomplished their resolution before now, or why they have a bad habit. You won’t ever accomplish anything based on the simple fact it is your resolution. For Example, lose weight, quit smoking, get out of debt, or get a better job. All good goals but you’re not fat because you haven’t decided to lose weight. You’re fat because you make a lot of bad unhealthy lazy decisions or you’re simply uneducated to the topic. You are in debt because you don’t live within your means, which probably translates to you are insecure, impulsive and undisciplined. You’re job probably sucks because you are unmotivated and don’t know how to take risks. The point is, you need a philosophy that will push all your decisions, not just fighting a single impulse or creating a frame work to define a discipline.

So instead of the year of losing 40 pounds, how about the year of not waiting to be something you want.

Jan 02

How I got here…

I think I have said it a million times in the past month.  This past year has been difficult.  Probably the most difficult I’ve experienced since losing my running career.  It was a time of overwhelming change; lots of unknowns, fights with little or no assurance of my success.  Many of those things are still open.  I should have known things weren’t looking good when in the first two weeks I lost a coat, my keys, and wallet.  By mid-February I was jobless and by March an overwhelmed shell of myself with a constant deer in the head lights look.  I had no idea where to go or what to do.  It’s an awful question to ask yourself half way through your life, what do you want to be when you have nothing to fall back on.  It’s easy to talk out loud when you can forget and find comfort in a constant reliable world.  It’s another to have to answer the question and do something about it.  You want to believe you have the fight; however, the truth is you leave one struggle to gamble on another.  I had no idea how I was going to come out and in the end I had no answer.  I simply came to a decision.  The decision that I don’t give a shit how I end up.  Sounds depressing but in reality I knew at that point the slate was clean.  I was going to move pass the expectation that I just have to get through this.  It was no longer about finding a way back into the land of the living and security.  I had to throw out all the ideas of what I knew about success.  I was ready for the struggle, I was ready to gamble.  I had to stop looking back at who I was and try to get it back but to come out a different person in an entirely different place.  The band aid would have been easy.  The paths that have been outlined for me since day one were there, it would just take time.  That wasn’t going to work. 

So I started my own company. 

I’ve struggled like hell for that decision but I am surviving.  I’d much rather be a survivor, someone who struggles than someone who simply follows the trail.  Like the famous Robert Frost poem I had two paths.  I took the one less traveled by.  There were plenty of paths to the top.  I had the choice to get there with water, a map, and a well worn trail.  Rewarding I am sure.  Instead I know where the mountain is and did the equivalent of walking butt ass naked into the woods. I adapt, I survive, and every day I have to find a way.  It’s never the same.  It’s hard and it sucks but it sure as hell seems like a lot more fun and if I ever get there I’ll have enjoyed the struggle instead of avoiding it.  I am going to do what I am best at.  Never stop finding my own way.